next steps

“Everything ok?” The text from my mom interrupts my morning ritual of waking up early only to be rushing toward the office, late as usual. “Yes.” I reply, curtly. I know what is coming next. “Because your Facebook post seemed a little…”

Just moments earlier I had posted a photo of the sunrise alongside my brilliantly insightful and deep comment, “another ‘start over,’ another ‘change everything,’ another ‘make a difference,’ another ‘write a new ending.’” I reflected momentarily, “shit. Now everyone is worried I am coming unhinged.”

it was just a sunrise

In reality, at least to me, it’s perfectly clear. Each day, these days, is a new chance for me. A fresh, new 24 hours to either get it all right, or get it terribly fucking wrong. I am exceptional at both…and newly accepting of my ability to swing from one extreme to the other. My life…is under construction. Perhaps it always will be.

I fell off the blog-o-sphere because I couldn’t stomach being so wrong. I was so wrong about where I was in life. I was so wrong about having it figured out or at least being on the right path. I had proclaimed that I had found love and then was proven so wrong. I think it’s safe to say I was embarrassed – the way you are when you recommend a restaurant, giving it your enthusiastic endorsement, relying on first-hand, “insider” knowledge…you ate there yourself last week or you know the chef personally - only to later hear someone rating it as terrible. It’s not so much that I doubt my own assessment, it’s more that I fear losing credibility. How will anyone ever trust anything I write? In all honesty, it’s all true – in that moment. The universe has a way of unraveling truth and we all have a way of revising the story to fit a new way of seeing the truth. So my revision is this – it turns out, when I wrote those words: “this might be a love story,” I was very right, I was just focused on the wrong character in the story.

Has anyone ever told you that you have to “love yourself” before you can love someone else? Have you rolled your eyes along with me at those words? I found it annoying, a cliché, to the scale of (I’m sitting here contemplating a phrase that annoys me more, but ten minutes have passed and nothing. I will come back to it). Let’s leave it at – it was lost on me. What does it really mean anyway? If loving myself was a requirement for loving another, well…it looked like a life of solitude for me.

I mean, I didn’t hate myself but I always felt I was in search of someone to complete me and make me whole. It never occurred to me that I could find peace in the idea of a life that didn’t require anyone else to be full. I am still not there – but I do see that possibility now. Sure, you could argue that any self-respecting “cat lady” reaches a point where she tells herself SHE CHOSE THIS…but I am feeling hopeful that it’s a genuine epiphany and if not, well – cats are pretty awesome.

So, why am I writing again? There are a few reasons…

First, I love it. I find myself in the reflective process – I understand myself better as I explain myself to you.

Second, it is the most honest I can be…I won’t allow myself to write justifications or bullshit, so therefore I am my most honest in my writing. This also forces me to accept that sometimes, I get it wrong. Sometimes the restaurant wasn’t really that great – I just wanted it to be. Sometimes it’s not really love – I just wanted it to be. Or perhaps a better way of seeing it is this: Sometimes the restaurant is perfect…in that moment. Sometimes the love is just want you need…in that moment.

Third, it’s a great excuse to sit alone and drink. Seriously…try it yourself. Pour a big glass of whatever it is you enjoy and sit down in front of a laptop in a dark room. When your spouse or mom (or cat) comes to check on you, declare in your most “Earnest Hemingway” voice… “leave me, I’m writing.” The first few times there might be guffaws, but those guffaws will progress into “yeah, rights,” followed shortly by, “again?” to a final settling point of, “Ok, need anything?” PS. To get to this final stage, it might require receiving payment for your writing. I will let you know when (if) I get there.

The final reason I am writing again is that – I feel ready. In the past few years I have found a whole new world. I know this sounds dramatic and I wish I could say it in a less aggressive way but it’s pretty true as stated. I have been dedicated to the practice of yoga for the past couple of years and, as you know, spending a lot of time following a trail through the woods. Those two things have come together in my life to teach me a few lessons. The biggest is to stop seeing a world filled with rivals that I need to out-perform, but rather to see us all as connected…each doing our own “best” to get through. To rely on myself and have faith in my own ability. To enjoy my own company and know I can find happiness even in a life without traditional partnership. To see the uniqueness in each of us – we each experience the world through a lens that will never be repeated. I am not across the finish line yet, but I am eager to continue the journey toward a different sort of completion. One that may, or may not, involve a true love or someone to laugh across a campfire with…that just may not be my path. The last thing I will mention is that I now appreciate so deeply the love I see exchanged between others. The love and support I receive from my yogi friends. The kindness of strangers. The loving exchanges between partners. I see it everywhere…and it’s beautiful.

Happiness is a practice. Everyday, it requires we all look around and appreciate the good we see. It requires that we smile and enjoy the love around us even when it’s not directed toward us, even when it doesn’t look like we thought it would, even when it’s fleeting. It is in those moments when we realize it’s coming from within us…it was there all along.

Next week I will depart for yet another solo trek along the Appalachian Trail northbound toward its terminus in Maine. I am so far from that goal that many of you are probably scratching your heads wondering if I have a job (I do) or if I am running from something (yes, laundry) or if I just have no understanding of distance (well…) but I have committed to returning for a minimum of a week every year to keep moving north on the Appalachian Trail. Even if I never meet anyone’s standard of “progress” I am going to keep at it because the wildness of it all is, I think, life’s best teacher.

More to come if you want to follow along…I depart in 7 days.